I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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