just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
