Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
