Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
