god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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