i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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