Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
