Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
