i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found your dick twin last night
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im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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