I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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