My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
worst night to have a conscience
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
