Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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