I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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