Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
