you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
