Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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