I cut my penus on the lid.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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