glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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