Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
