Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
