It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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