I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
