if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
