so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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