You're completely useless in the revolution.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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