I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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