come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
