She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
