Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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