where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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