Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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