i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
