She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
