bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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