When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's not a walk of shame if you run
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
