i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
