She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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