My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
