I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
