The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
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Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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