I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
