i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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