her vagina looked like bernie madoff
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sex in a hospital.. check
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe