i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock