Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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