hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
