I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
MIDGETS
????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
