Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
