Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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