You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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