Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
