I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
