I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
