I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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